Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
