It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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