I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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