Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
