I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
