I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
