I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
