oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
