zippers are such a cool invention
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
