you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
