the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
