the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
