Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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