Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
