i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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