i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize