I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
