Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
