Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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