it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
