When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
