Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Fuck appropriateness.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
