i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
