So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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