I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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