i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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