Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
please don't ironically join a cult
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