Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize