That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm having to shit out rocks
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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