Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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