: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
