i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I pour the whiskey from now on
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
