I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
