I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
