Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
