a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
