When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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