At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Pooping to opera.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
