Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
