I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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