we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i've created a new STD.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
