Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
People in love make me want to vomit
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
