I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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