Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
