My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
