Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
