Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
