I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize