and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
