I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
