Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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