A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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