They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
