A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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