I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
