The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize