My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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