Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
