Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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